But what if?

I woke up today plagued with a case of the “what ifs.” What if I wasn’t here anymore, what if my whole world turns upside down and I don’t have the time to catch my breath before being tossed into a life where I can no longer cling to familiarity. What if I don’t do this, what if I do. What if we grow and turn into different people who want different things, what if we don’t. Everybody gets them, a feigned affliction of the mind in which we wrap ourselves to escape the unanswerable and irreversible. We’re always thinking about things that have a minuscule chance of happening, crunching the numbers, trying to beat the odds. But what if we threw away probability and accepted spontaneity? Am I the only one whose tired? Tired of worrying about the what ifs and the worst cases; tired of fearing death while we live and expecting life when we die. The what ifs will always be there, but if we acknowledge them we empower them. I want to live with my head in the clouds, if only for a moment. Maybe there i’ll find the answers to the questions that no one ever wants to discuss, like why do the good die young, why do we loose pieces of ourselves into the wind and straggle like strangers in the dust. What makes one life worth more than another. What if there are no happy endings and only happy moments.  So many what ifs wrapped into each other, today I leave them behind in my search of what is.

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